i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It's just like the Real World with babies
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
