hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
