I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
