Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
