I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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