I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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