just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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