I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
