i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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