I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
