I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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