I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
