Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
