She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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