i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
They took my balls.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
