You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
