I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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