And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
