hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
