she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
