I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
