Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
