I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
