im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
