I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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