last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
