no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
