You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
