worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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