Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
