I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
