I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
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