I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
