I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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