Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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