Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
