just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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