I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
