So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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