he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
