I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
