hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
