I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
