Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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