Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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