I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Never joke about your clitoris.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
