Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Randomize
