she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You don't make any sense
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