This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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