did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Ladies don't puke and tell
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
