highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
