Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
