I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I love black thongs
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
