you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
