I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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