Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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