I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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