I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
