eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
