oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
