You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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